DISCLAIMER: When I say “white” I mean culturally rather than physically. Anyone who has seen me in real life knows I share the same complexion as mayonnaise and I acknowledge the privilege that comes with it. Also, I’m not here to force interracial dating or marriage on you, do whatever the fuck you want just don’t hate on interracial couples and call them race-traitors.
I met “Hans” on Hinge a few years ago after succumbing to the pressure my parents put on me to start dating. I’m not one to have high standards, which is why I end up having many horror stories surrounding dating but hey, it’s writing material, right? He was a med student, funny, surprisingly not arrogant, and loved the same books as me. What more could a girl as for right? I decided I wouldn’t mind dating him and sent his profile a like. Our first date was in a little restaurant in the 5th arrondissement in Paris, we talked about several topics such as politics, movies and how our next date should definitely be ice skating.
He was German, from Berlin and told me I was the first Turkish girl he’d ever “dated”. I’m using the term dating very loosely here, we went on a few dates, that’s it, we were never “boyfriend-girlfriend” and thank goodness for that. I didn’t really think me being his first Turk would be an issue, I grew up being the only Turk in the room or the only Turk most people would ever meet so the alarm bells didn’t really ring despite Berlin having the largest diaspora Turkish population in the world.
Everything between us was going well until I asked him the dreaded “What are we” question after two months of consistently going on dates and talking everyday. He asked me what I meant and I told him that I was just wondering since he’d said he could see a future with me. In retrospect, it was probably too early to say something like that, especially when we were both 18.
He has this twisted look of amusement on his face. Or maybe it was confusion and I’m attributing malice to it. “I thought you knew this was nothing serious.” No I didn’t, why would I ever assume it was nothing serious when you explicitly told me you wanted a future with me? Taken aback, I asked him why he’d contradict himself like this and he responded that he could never introduce a Turkish girl to his family, that they wouldn’t accept anyone who isn’t German.
Well what the fuck am I doing here then?
Obviously, I was wounded. Despite my hurt, I can’t help but feel grateful to have dodged this massive bullet. He apologised and asked me to please not think he’s racist but how could I not? This person I’d been going out with for two months was calling my people dirty, backwards and uncivilised because of our politics and that he’d prefer to present someone who’s “genuinely white” to them. “Dirty”, coming from a man who’s continent doesn’t have bidets is crazy, like bro, I’m not the one with dingleberries hanging out of my ass, get the fuck out of here calling MY people dirty.
As for the uncivilised comment, it’s one I’ve heard so many times from all kinds of people. I’m not saying Turkish culture is above criticism— I’ll be the first to critique the misogyny present in it but you need to be able to separate criticism from prejudice. You sought me out thinking I’d be a docile Turkish woman begging for The White Man™ to save me from a tower YOU put me in. You assume my father beats me, that he’s arranged a marriage with an old man for me and that he’s pulled me out of school before I could form a proper sentence. You think a relationship with you is the only thing I need to achieve my freedom while disregarding the fact that I’m literally living abroad, studying at university and am reminded to pursue independence by my own parents at every chance they get. I was never in a cage, I don’t need you to hand me a key.
I asked him if he felt the same way as his family and he averted his gaze from mine. I’m inevitably going to think you’re racist because you’re breaking up with me for racist reasons. I’ve never had this problem outside of Europe, which I guess shows that race and how some people are perceived changes depending on where they are. Obviously, I ended things with him or I guess, he ended them with me but that can stay between you and me. A few weeks after, he popped up on my feed with a German girl with long straight, blonde hair and striking blue eyes so I guess I was neither his physical nor cultural type lol. He had captioned the post “My dream girl” and I won’t lie, that stung quite a bit.
My experience with Hans was the first, but unfortunately not the last time I got rejected for being Turkish. I don’t want this to come off as capricious, I know that other people of colour deal with this to an even worse degree, especially in predominantly white countries. White supremacy impacts every aspect of our lives and it’s disgusting, it’s my first time living in a predominantly white country and I see how present white privilege is every day. As diverse as Paris is, it’s still riddled with racism and it impacts every aspect of people’s lives. I’ve been spat on for speaking a foreign language on the street, yelled at and called a terrorist on my way to the mosque and that’s while actively benefitting from white privilege.
My friends that are more obviously foreign get yelled at on the street, one of them was nearly pushed onto metro tracks by a crazed, murderous racist (and was thankfully unharmed) while another one had the police called on her because she didn’t look like she “belonged” in her own neighbourhood. Most recently, a friend of mine was shoved against a wall by police and illegally searched on his way to university because he “looked” like he’d be participating in our protest. He didn’t even know there was one going on, nobody did.
I’m aware I’m immensely privileged for not having to fear for my safety because of my appearance, and I’m aware that my dating troubles are an inconvenience at best but it’s still insane to me. I never really had to think about whether my race or nationality would impact dating, it’s such a minute part of my life. There were times where someone was hesitant to date me because I’m foreign, which stung but their justification was that I wouldn’t be able to communicate with their family, which is more because I didn’t speak their language than my race/ethnicity so I never let it impact me. I didn’t realise how against interracial/intercultural dating some people were until I moved to France.
Mind you, it’s not my first experience with the anti-mixing crowd. The French side of my family literally disinherited my grandmother because she DARED get married to a Turkish man. How dare she dilute the pure, civilised, farmers-blood of my French ancestors with a dirty, horse-riding, misogynist? How dare she have daughters who, instead of trying to fix her mistake by marrying Frenchmen, DARED to also get married to Turkish men and have children with them? How dare their kids then come to France and steal scholarship money from real, pure-blooded French kids? I’ve talked about this in another one of my posts but the French side of my family obviously isn’t representative of all of France.
There are also some anti-mixing sentiments from nationalist and fascist Turks pushing the idea that we, the Turkish people, need to prioritise having pure Turkish babies to fight against this “onslaught” of “arabisation” and “westernisation”. I’m going to need all of those people to genuinely shut the fuck up because in what world does a “pure” Turkish person exist? Turks have always been nomads and have therefore never been “pure-blooded”. Pureness in the context of nomadic populations would implicate levels of incest even the Hapsburgs would hesitate to partake in.
What shocked me in my experience with Hans as well as the others who rejected me for being Turkish was just how matter-of-fact they acted about it— Like it was some universal truth that interracial relationships are something to fantasise about and never practice. I’m not upset because a White person didn’t “pick” me, I’m upset that being Turkish was used in a negative light to end things with me. I’ve never really cared about the race of the person I’m dating (nor their gender for that matter) so it’s wild to me that some people do, especially when they use cultural conservation as an excuse to reject you. What culture do you have to preserve that you aren’t willing to teach? Why is it that my presence is viewed as sullying your culture instead of enriching it? Why is it that you’re allowed to take bits and pieces of my culture and profit off it, at times even calling it yours but my presence is where the line is drawn?
This isn’t just a thing in White people too. As I’ve said, the Turkish side of my family wasn’t exactly thrilled at the thought of my grandmother marrying my grandfather. It’s stupid. I still know my culture, I speak my language and to their delight, I don’t identify as French at all because of the intense racism coming from my French side that impacts me to this day. Recently, I’ve been hearing a lot of anti-interracial dating in leftist spaces and it’s so worrying. I’ve heard people say anyone dating interracially is a fetishist or that you can’t be pro-[insert race here] and date someone outside of your race and to those people I have to ask: what’s the circumference of your head? I’m giving you a custom-made white hood.
You all need to remember that people have died for the simple act of getting married to someone that has a different background from you N O W. Obviously, you don’t have to date anyone, but if your reason for not doing it is their race, no matter what said race might be, you need to sit down and think long and hard. I’m not even saying all reasons for having a racial preference are racist but most are.
If it comes down to cultural preservation, anyone of any race can be part of any culture and there isn’t any part of a culture that can’t be taught. I’m a Turkish person, if I had a preference to exclusively date other Turkish/Turkic people, I’m not going to look down at said person because they might be of a different race. This is what really confused me with Hans. There are German people of any race so how is it that all of his exes looked like they came right out of a Nazi propaganda poster? Why were some of his exes French if he only wanted to present “truly German” people to his parents? Of course, the question is rhetorical and the answer is simple: because he’s racist.
Of course, there are cultures within a culture. Indigenous-American culture is different from White, Black or Asian-American culture but those differences can be taught. If you don’t want to do the work of teaching said difference, just say that but don’t say it’s to “preserve” anything because a mono-racial couple still needs to teach their kid their culture and if they don’t, they still need to teach each other. A culture can change depending on the city, country, or socio-economic background of the members of the couple, being in a mono-racial relationship doesn’t really have any advantages besides placating your close-minded relatives.
In conclusion, fuck Hans and anyone like him, date whoever you love, and stop being racist.
© 2026 C. H. Gökdemir. All rights reserved.
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