As far as my parents are aware, I’m the perfect daughter. Kind, smart, funny, pretty— the whole package. I refuse to date in order to focus on my studies and manage to have a social life while maintaining good grades in law school. I’m even top of the class for certain subjects. I have great friends my parents approve of and I do my best to minimise the money my parents need to spend on me. All of this comes at the expense of my identity. My parents don’t know me as well as they think they do.
I’ve struggled with compulsory heterosexuality for most of my life. While I currently live in a country where I have more rights than ever as a queer woman, my goal is to go back to Türkiye some day and to keep my family in my life. I’ve jumped between the lesbian and bisexual label all my life. I’ve had periods of my life where I was strictly attracted to women and some periods where I was attracted to men as well. It just so happened that the first sixteen years of my life, I was exclusively attracted to women. Realising I was bisexual was a strange experience, I was very attached to the lesbian label and yet it was strangely relieving. I had myself convinced that the man I had feelings for had been the answer to all of my prayers, that I was finally “cured” of my ailment and could be able to lead a normal life. Growing up in a religious setting really does fuck you up.
I was crushed when he rejected me. I clung to my feelings for him for years, telling myself I can’t be a lesbian since I’ve had feelings for a man, real feelings, nothing to do with comphet, and yet I was unable to have those feelings towards a man ever since. I think part of the reason why I clung to these feelings for so long was because in my head, I still identified as a lesbian, I had just found the one man that could “turn” me and allow me to live a life that’s socially acceptable. I had to date him because not doing so would equate to a life of playing pretend in order to appease my family.
I haven’t really been attracted to anyone lately, though I still find myself gravitating towards men so as to give my parents what they want and finally bring them a boyfriend. I’ve been so stressed about this that I started having recurring nightmares about it. Strangely enough, the nightmare has been making me think that I might be lesbian despite being sure I’m not.
In the nightmare, I’m in my childhood home with a faceless man for a boyfriend. He’s the perfect man, he pays for everything, is incredibly funny, polite, kind, likes the same things as me and is genuinely one of the most handsome men I’ve ever seen. I feel nothing towards him besides disgust whenever he tries to touch or kiss me. I cringe every time my parents mention how happy they are that I’ve finally found someone and joke about worrying I might’ve been a lesbian. My boyfriend chuckles awkwardly before leaning in for a kiss but I push him away. He tries to hold my hand, grazes his thumb over my knuckles in a soothing rhythm but I swat his hand away. I use my culture’s disdain for PDA as an excuse despite knowing that my parents are the last people to care about that kind of stuff. He looks hurt at this but I feel nothing except a slight satisfaction, as if I had taken revenge on him for stealing my freedom from me.
A few minutes later, we were in the kitchen and my mother was preparing cocktails for everyone. He tried to hug me but I pushed his arms away from me, yelling at him to just leave me alone, that the weather was too hot and I didn’t want his sweat sticking to me. He apologised, voice trembling and went to the garden. Once again, I felt nothing but a disgusting sense of satisfaction at his reaction. I remember my mother looking at me, horrified. She told me she’d never seen me act this cruelly towards someone and said she hadn’t raised me this way. I yelled at her to stay out of my relationship and stomped to my room.
As I was screaming into my pillow, I heard three knocks on the door and it opened to reveal my boyfriend. His eyes were red and he had a defeated expression his face. He asked me why I was being so mean towards him, if he had done anything wrong. He sat at the edge of my bed and tried to grab my hand, but I, once again, moved it away. I refused to speak to him or meet his gaze. “I don’t think you like me” he said finally. “I don’t even think you’re attracted to me. I don’t know why you agreed to be my girlfriend since you’ve always been fine alone. Are you with me just to get your parents off your back?”
I became him for a second and felt all of the pain I’d caused him. My chest felt tight and I felt a lump form in my throat, trying to climb its way out but forever stuck in place. “I know you said you were bisexual but I really think you might be a lesbian. It’s alright if you are, but don’t take your repressed anger out on me, I don’t deserve that.” Most of the time, that’s the moment I wake up but sometimes, he goes on to say that he changed his flight to Paris and leaves the next day.
I think the worst part about this nightmare is that I can see myself being this cruel. I can see myself resenting a partner for depriving me of what I truly want, for forcing me into a relationship that doesn’t please anyone besides my family. It’s part of the reason why I’ve stayed single for so long. I don’t really want to start anything knowing that my intention isn’t to stay in France and the lifestyle I want for myself isn’t suited for a longterm relationship so I’ve always known I’d probably be single for most of my life.
The nightmares started again last week. I had sex with a woman for the first time and it was the most fun I’ve had in a while. I’ve had sex with men before as well and I’ve finished with them too but this was different. I wouldn’t say I hate having sex with men, I don’t really care about the gender of the person I have sex with as long as they can make me cum but this is the first time I was actually enthusiastic to have sex I guess. I’m still not very experienced sexually speaking so I don’t really know what I like, it could be that she was just more skilled compared to my past partner but I feel like there’s something else in the mix. I saw her again before I left and we slept together again, it was nice.
Honestly I’m tired of trying to figure out if I like men or not, knowing damn well I’ll either be single or end up married to one. I just say I’m bisexual to make things easier for myself and those around me but abandoning labels entirely is very attractive as well. I wish I could alleviate the weight on my shoulders and talk about this with my parents but I know I won’t be able to for at least the next ten years. Part of me hopes they already know, that they’re trying to show me they love me no matter what but I know it’s just wishful thinking.
I don’t really know how to finish this post. I wish I could stop living in fear but for now, my fear is all I have. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I like women a long time ago, I think the hard part is considering the possibility that I might only like women. I still find myself reminiscing about my feelings for the man, analysing what it was that I like about him, if it was his personality, the fact that I could easily imagine him being a woman or both. I still don’t know the answer to this, the only thing I know for certain is that my feelings for him were real in some strange way. It’s become quite rare for me to have romantic feelings for anyone, so I might also just be thinking about him to distract me from my boredom. I feel like a stranger to myself.
I wish I couldn’t see my future this clearly but I do. Because of the lifestyle that I want, I’ll be single for most of my life, that’s fine, but when I do have feelings for someone, there’s a chance it’ll be a woman, forcing me to either end things or risk losing everything I’ve ever known. It could also be a man, leaving me to wonder how my life would be like had I taken the risk to come out, even though I know I most likely never will. It’s sad I guess because I’d love to experience romance before life gets too serious but I’m too much of a coward for now.
© 2026 C. H. Gökdemir. All rights reserved.
Cece: Unfiltered 
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